Dear Unsavory Amber,
I had a longtime friend coming to town to visit me this summer. I took time off work to entertain this guest and her family. I bought special groceries for meals I planned on preparing. When they landed at the airport, she texted me “What’s your address? We’re on our way.” She texted me about twenty minutes later that she would be staying in a different town and her excuse was “Must have been a miscommunication.” Should I be done with this friend forever?
Furious in Fargo
Dear Furious,
I understand being upset. First things first… Immediately prepare all the meals you had planned, plate everything beautifully down to the goddamn garnishes. Then take pictures, add a professional filter, tag her in them, and post them to all forms of social media, Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram (duh), Twitter, LinkedIn, Grindr, etc. Make sure to include a shit load of hashtags like #keto #vegan #fitness #farmtotable #foodislife #blessed #lovemylife so that she knows what she’s missing out on. I mean, what is the reason for hashtags other than to make people jealous? #killingit. Dump the contents into the garbage and laugh; it’s the American way. I mean, you could take it to a homeless shelter but that’s just unpatriotic. Enjoy your 4th of July.
Yours truly,
Unsavory Amber
Dear Unsavory Amber,
How old is too old for sexual activity? Thanks in advance,
Horny in Horace.
Dear Horny,
Is that your real name? Is it a family name? If so, that is gross. What is wrong with your family? Also, any age older than 73 is too old. Take a cold shower and do some gardening like a normal granny, fer Christ’s sake. But, if you insist on being a sexy beast, then enjoy Grandparent’s Day safely. Use a condom, I don’t care if you’re postmenopausal. STIs still spread no matter how wrinkly your genitals.
Yours truly,
Unsavory Amber
Dear Unsavory Amber,
I’m the director of human resources for a small firm and I recently heard a rumor that one of the staff in the office has been faking a serious illness in order to do less work. I am unsure if I should confront him. If he is truly sick, he would most assuredly be upset by my questioning, but I can’t let him get away with malingering. I just don’t know what to do!
Concerned in Casselton
Dear Concerned,
The first thing you should do is stop using exclamation points because it makes you look like a douche! Next, call him and pretend you’re from the local hospital and tell him you’re confirming his upcoming appointment. Now he’s going to react in one of two ways. He’s going to either A) be super confused that someone from the hospital is contacting him, or B) tearfully admit he has cancer. There are no other ways he will react.
If it’s reaction A), hang up immediately. Call an emergency meeting of all your best work friends in the break room. Huddle up and explain the situation. Slam some shots of the peppermint schnapps you keep in your desk drawer. Grab some paper from the printer and roll it into a cone and light one end to make a torch. Grab some pitchforks from the office pitchfork closet. Storm into his cubicle and demand answers. Call him a warlock and demand a pound of flesh.
If he is actually sick, resist the urge to call 911. Just look in his file, find out his emergency contact person’s number. It is your responsibility in human resources to contact that person and give out the information that he is probably not going to make it until the end of the day. On your lunch break, go to the deli and pick up some chicken noodle soup. Bring it to him and just as he reaches for it, pour the soup onto his desk. Tell him “THAT’S FOR MAKING ME LOOK LIKE AN ASSHOLE.” Enjoy boss’s day!
Yours truly,
Unsavory Amber
Dear Unsavory Amber,
Help! I’m seventeen and I’m worried I’ll never get asked to prom. I’ve never had a boyfriend and I’ve never even had my first kiss. Help me land my dream date.
Worried in Wahpeton
Dear Worried,
Listen… I never had a boyfriend in high school and I turned out fine! I work ridiculous hours, live paycheck to paycheck, and my teeth are rotting out of my gums. It’s so overrated. However, this isn’t about me. You’re in the market for a great guy to escort you to the traditional human trafficking auction that is prom.
Start by doing some landscaping of the garden that is your filthy human body… I mean body… I’m human too… I’m definitely not a robot programmed in the future to travel through time and end humanity. If you were lucky enough to be born with a third arm, try to tuck it into the waistband of your pants but be careful not to cut off the circulation. You may want to buy some bigger pants to accommodate the circumference of the arm itself. Elastic is another option. Use your imagination and have fun with it. If you’re blessed with a vestigial tail, try a skirt with crinoline. A romper is a modern twist on hiding extra appendages.
Next, you can have your unibrow removed. I think the easiest way to go about this is to use a long strip of duct tape, press it against the prominent ridge, and just rip the whole shebang off. After your forehead is clear of any hairs at all, you can use a brow pencil or felt tip marker, whatever is comfortable for you. Whatever you do, don’t chicken out halfway through and end up with a big mess of scraggly hairs dotting your brow ridge. People might think your head is on upside down… scraggly hairs belong on the chin (and in your cleavage).
Now that you’ve got the look which youngsters find desirable, it’s time to get that date. It’s gonna be as tricky as wrapping a corpse in an area rug, stuffing it in your trunk, taking it to the river, dumping it, going over to your mom’s house to create an alibi, making a show of grieving, and lying to the cops… I heard from a friend. There are several archetypes of last-resort prom dates. To make this easier to understand, I made a little table to help you in your journey.
OPTION |
PRO |
CON |
Cute teenage cousin from a different town |
- Will make people jealous
- Age appropriate
- Guaranteed parental approval
|
- You will not get laid (unless that cousin is freaky too)
- Your friends might know this person, therefore blowing your cover
- Awkward family reunions
|
Gas station clerk who can buy beer legally |
- Can buy beer/cigs/chew legally
- Sweet employee discount
|
- Not age appropriate
- Missing teeth
- Parental approval questionable
|
Your best friend’s weed dealer |
- Has extra cash to treat you right
|
- Boring
- Has enemies
- Has too many cell phone numbers
- May or may not be age appropriate
- Parental approval questionable
|
Imported Japanese sex doll |
- Never argues with you
- You’re always in charge
- No extraneous conversation necessary
- Parental approval a non-issue
- No prophylaxis needed
|
- Can’t dance
- Won’t be able to pay for the meal or pick you up
|
I think the results of this graphic speak for themselves. Imported Japanese Sex Doll it is! Enjoy your prom!
Yours truly,
Unsavory Amber